Friday, 2 June 2017

Understanding Trump

Last week, Donald Trump heroically prevented the squashing of one of the most endangered insects on the planet by the careless actions of the prime minister of Montenegro, who came within an inch of stepping on it. In fluent Croatian, Trump alerted his international colleague, “Budi oprezan, prijatelju. Gotovo stao na Dryococelus australis. Znate li kako je rijetko ovih kukaca su?” before gently diverting the PM away from impending disaster. The liberal media, of course, twisted this manly deed, reporting it as an international faux pax committed by our dear leader in an effort to preen in front of the cameras. Tsk. However, you need only refer to the expert testimony of Fox’s alt-lip-reading specialist, Kellyjane Conjob, to confirm that this account is true. What’s that? You don’t see his lips moving at all? Well that is because even the fascist liberal cameras used by the MSM are programmed to record their own bias. Double tsk.

Who am I kidding? Who would believe that sort of nonsense? Well, I’ll come back to that point. The guy is the very definition of a douchebag. He’s barely been president for a quarter of a year and it is abundantly clear that he is not suited to being president. To put it both mildly and kindly. I don’t really need to go into details, do I? He is everything that the naysayers forecast. And nothing like the messiah predicted by his fans. But he still has fans. They seem to come in two main types. There remains a well stocked basket of deplorables. There is also a section of the population with a nasty case of Trumpitis.

There are many ways to contract Trumpitis and it is quite contagious. My favourite source, at present, is Scott Adams blog. Scott employs all manner of increasingly ludicrous and implausible themes and angles to interpret and justify Trump’s words and actions. Some of them are barely better than my own opening paragraph. Almost all of them involve ‘persuasion’, which is by its nature rather difficult to either quantify or qualify. He should rename his blog, the Trump Whisperer. His articles are much like watching Cesar Millan at work in one of those episodes where his best efforts are doomed to fail. The seasoned viewer can pretty much see how this ends within the opening montage, as Bertie the badly behaved Beagle forcibly mounts the neighbours cat, savages the daughter and then defecates on its owners bed before barking at the wall for ten minutes straight.

Nonetheless, Cesar embarks on his rehab program with great optimism, explaining why the pooch does what he does and how he is going to transform these bad behaviours and turn Bertie into a rational, fun loving family canine. He just needs love! He just needs attention! He just needs his pack! There’ll be a few people sat on their sofas watching and hoping for the best. They keep the faith alright. I mean they really love this breed. And it’s Cesar. We trust Cesar. It’s a family favourite brand. How can this possibly go wrong? But the proof is in the pudding, and the pudding is the walk through the park five minutes before the credits roll. Will he walk to heel, sit, roll over and beg like a good little doggy?

Will he fuck. Bertie slips the lead, bites a kit on a skateboard and runs across a busy six lane highway. The last we see of him is in the back of a police car. Eating his own faeces. Crossfade to a glum set of faces as Cesar explains, “Nah, that dog was properly fucked. We just took him straight down the vet and had him put to sleep. Best thing all round for everyone. The family are sad now, but they’re going to get a cat instead. That’s probably what they should have done in the first place to be fair. They’re going to call it Hillary”.

And THAT is the episode that is Scott Adams blog. But the good news is that there is a cure for Trumpitis. You just need to give sufferers a hug. Let them know everything is going to be ok. And stop them from reading things like Scott Adams blog, Breitbart et al. Things that just give them false hope and meaning, when we all really know how this is going to end. Instead, let them watch videos of Trump. Just Trump. Unlimited doses of pure, unadulterated Trump. Most rational humans then quickly see him for what he is and will start expressing signs of revulsion when presented with images of The Donald. However, if the patient is still unresponsive after one month or, worse, starts foaming at the mouth and grinning when Trump videos are played then you should stop the treatment immediately. You have a Deplorable on your hands, and there is no known cure in this instance. Just pop it back in the basket.

It would all be very funny if it wasn’t so serious. Trump is attempting to forge a program to make America more divided, internationally isolated, poorer, full of hatred and held in contempt by the rest of the world. He’s called his program, ‘Make America Great Again’, although not everyone sees the irony. But by withdrawing from the Paris Accord, Trump has expanded his professed goal of ‘fuck everything up’ beyond the borders of the USA. It is quite possibly the single most destructive and irresponsible non-violent act committed by any world leader, ever.

Sufferers of Trumpitis believed that having a business leader in charge of the country was a great idea. Which I found a little bizarre. There is some overlap, but a country is not a company. What next, have an artist design your house instead of an architect? And then wonder why the house fell over within twelve months? But if you do go for the business leade/president analogy then perhaps you should ponder a moment for how this looks to your biggest customers – the rest of the world. If America is a brand, then the Stars and Stripes are the logo. And Trump just publicly shat on your flag and is now waving it around under everyone’s noses. That is the new Brand America.