The Dinner Party

I’m having a theoretical dinner party, to which six dead people of my choosing will be reanimated and invited to take a seat, to drink, dine and chew the fat. It’s an old concept that I occasionally give some thought to. Who to invite? Jesus would be a good call if the wine rack is looking a bit empty. But an unwashed, uber-judgemental bloke lecturing everyone? Total party pooper. How about Churchill or Hitler? I say you’d have to have them both, seated opposite each other. But the entire evening would descend into a continuous breach of Godwin’s Law. So, no. Besides, I’d rather keep this table a bit more up to date. People who’ve lived during my lifetime.

Seated to my left will be Anthony Bourdain. I truly loved his shows. I still watch them, from time to time. Hopefully he will forgive my intruding on his peace when I resuscitate him for dinner, given the circumstances of his passing. Next to him, Lee Harvey Oswald. An intriguing life, an infamous end. I have questions. I’ve always been fascinated by the JFK assassination. Unlike the people who promote the most popular conspiracy theories, LHO was there on November 22nd. As was JFK I suppose, but I don’t much want to be the one to tell him how the day ended. 

The final spot on the row to my left is reserved for Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. I’m not a monarchist, nor a republican, but what a life she lived. If Bourdain is there to tell me about places and plates, Liz will be able to fill us in on the people and times of the 20th and 21st centuries. And she must have some juicy behind the scenes gossip. Moving to my right. Bill Shankly, the legendary Liverpool football manager. I’d love to hear his take on the modern game. I love his sharp Scottish wit. And if any of my guests start to get a bit above his or her station, Bill is just the man to bring them down to earth. Put them in their place. Serve a piece of humble pie, whether we’ve gotten to desserts or not.

Next to Scottish Bill is American Bill. Bill Hicks, the stand up comedian. The man absolutely ripped the political giants of the 80s and 90s. Imagine what he could do with the material that politicians are providing today. Begads. I can’t wait. And just for shits and giggles, guess who I have in the final seat? Donald Trump. You betcha. To think, I rejected an unwashed messiah in favour of an unwashed dude with a messianic complex. This has the makings of a Temu Last Supper. 

You might be shouting at your screen, ‘But Trump’s not dead!’ Chaps, I don’t think you’ve grasped the concept of this whole exercise. I have the power of life and death. So Trump will definitely be dead, right after the cheeseboard is finished, just before the rest of us retire to the lounge for drinks. And you’re welcome, btw. Until then, I’ll have a front row seat to watch Bill H and Tony B tear him a new one. We would all want to hear from Lee Harvey how he’d have got the job done properly in Butler, PA. There’s no way we’d get through the hors d’oeuvres without Shankly punching him square in the mouth. And what a joy to hear Queen Lizzie throw the C word in his direction. She would, you know, after her third G&T. But the main reason he’s there is simply to ensure I’m not the thicko at the table. No one wants to be the dunce. 

Trump is thick. He has all sorts of personality issues, sure. But significant cognitive decline? Meh. He’s always been like this as far as I can tell. He’s just extremely stupid. Always has been. Always will be. All this guff about him playing five dimensional chess? Rubbish. The man can just about gather up enough functional brain cells to get through a game of snap. At any dinner I might put together, with friends or colleagues, Trump is the thicko at the table. You think he pulls off stunts to keep folk distracted? He’s just being persistently stupid. He’s regularly being stupid at two or more things at the same time. There’s nothing more to it than that.

This is the chief problem in America, and increasingly in Europe, isn’t it? There is an epidemic of stupidity. The village idiots have taken over. People keep looking for complex answers to explain what is going on but, as is often the case, the truth is more simple. I don’t know what the answer to this is. But I have a sneaky suspicion that historically, stupid leads to catastrophe. War. Disease. Famine. And, one hopes, fewer stupid people. Every cloud…