The Sound of Silence

There are sounds that I like. Petrol engined lawnmowers on early spring mornings*. International football commentary from the 70s and 80s, tinny tones sent down international phone lines. The roar of the engines of an Avro Vulcan passing overhead. The Thames TV ident. And then there is this wonderful noise, which to my ear is the definitive ‘sound of America’.

There are sounds I don’t like. All the usual ones, such as babies screaming on an aeroplane, nails on a chalkboard, the pin flying free from the holy grenade of Antioch. But more than any of them, my most hated sound, the noise that boils my blood, is a personal speaker being used in a public place. 

I don’t care who it is, where or when, or why it is a despicable intrusion on my ear canal. And it is happening everywhere. Blokes screaming about Jesus on the high street. Young people blaring horrific, shite modern music in the town’s gardens. The local drunk who has affixed speakers to his mobility scooter. And buskers. I don’t mind a good busker. But not from 100 metres away through a 500 watt speaker. Protesters too. What do I want?For you to shut the f**k up. When do I want it? Now…

Do I have a solution to put an end to this plague of noise? Yes, of course. But I’m told that inserting holy grenades of Antioch where the sun doesn’t shine is frowned upon these days. So I have a Plan B. Noise Rangers. Uniformed patrols through every town and village, seizing every amp and speaker they find in a public place. Will this work? Of course not. They’ll have strict instructions to not physically engage with anyone without police being present. The police will never be present. Before you know it, to justify their continued existence, they’ll be armed with a tool to record decibels and will be fining pensioners £100 a pop for making too much noise with their walking frames and gnashing their dentures too loudly. 

By the time 2027 comes round, the only people left on our high streets will be traffic wardens, noise rangers, store security, environmental enforcement officers, vigilante groups and the people who cause 99% of the offences that all these people are there for, but who are too poor to be fined or too aggressive to confront unless the police are present. Which they won’t be. Because having blown the budget on traffic wardens, enforcement officers et al, there’ll be no money left for actual police officers.

What’s the moral of this story? It’s either a lament at the continued decline of social order in our towns. Or that I have entered the ‘Grumpy Old Man’ stage of life. There is evidence to support the latter - my list of likes are all from times gone by. I remain convinced that it is the former. But you are free to take your pick. Either way, I have a final back up plan. My AirPod Pro 2 earbuds. With active noise cancellation. Without doubt the greatest invention of the 21st century so far. 

* obviously, the smell of the freshly cut grass is even better.